eeewwwwOriginally Posted by SuperSwede
*** WARNING possibly offensive joke ***
First Love
Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Kevin where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,"
Joe recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Kevin.
"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?".....
"Baaaaaaa." said Joe.
I can't say that I've given up on a flanger cause I've never liked the effect either. I also can't say the same about Tremolo. I hate them both equally. - Tone2TheBone 2009
eeewwwwOriginally Posted by SuperSwede
A guy walks into a bar and says, "Give me a double bourbon straight up."
The bartender brings him his drink, and the guy says, "Let me show you something." He takes a box out of his pocket and puts it on the bar and opens it, and this tiny man in a tuxedo, about a foot tall, gets out of it. He looks around, climbs down off the bar, goes over to the piano in the corner of the room, and starts playing "Fur Elise." It's beautiful.
The bartender says, "Wow, that's pretty cool. Where did you find him?"
The guy says, "Well, I was on my way home from work this afternoon, and I passed by this antique shop and saw an old oil lamp in the window. It looked interesting, so I bought it and took it home. As I was polishing it, a genie popped out and said 'HUZZAH! YOU HAVE FREED ME FROM CENTURIES OF IMPRISONMENT! TO SHOW MY GRATITUDE, I WILL GRANT YOU YOUR HEART'S DESIRE!'"
The bartender says, "So you asked him for a twelve-inch pianist?"
The guy says, "No, not exactly."
"When I play, I express my feelings very fast." -Yomo Toro
Haha, the genie had a hearing problem?
The Law of Gravity is nonsense. No such law exists. If I think I float, and you think I float, then it happens.
Master Guitar Academy - I also teach via SKYPE.
Not a joke but funny just the same.
A man's standing at a bus stop when a little old lady walks up behind him with a little dog on a leash. The dog sniffs the man's trousers and lifts a hind leg. The man steps to one side. Again, the dog steps up next to him, sniffs, and lifts a leg. The man moves again. The little old lady says "Don't worry, he doesn't bite".
The man answers dryly... "I wasn't worried about him biting, I thought he was about to kick me in the shin......."
Guitars
Wilburn Versatare, '52 FrankenTele(Fender licensed parts), Fender USA Roadhouse Strat, Fender USA Standard B-bender Telecaster, Agile AL 3000 w/ WCR pickups, Ibanez MIJ V300 Acoustic, Squier Precision Bass,
Amps
Ceriatone Overtone Special, Musicman 212 Sixty-Five, Fender Blues Jr., Peavey Classic 30, Fender Super Reverb, Traynor YCV-40 WR Anniversary w/ matching 1x12 ext. cab, Epiphone SoCal 50w head w/ matching 4x12 cab (Lady Luck speakers), Avatar 2x12 semi-open back cab w/ Celestion speakers
Pedals
Digitech Bad Monkey, Digitech Jamman, DVM's ZYS, Goodrich volume pedal
A drunk stumbles into a bar in Texas. He orders a "large" draft beer, and the bartender brings it in a pitcher. "That's a lot of beer" the drunk says. The bartender answers "You're in Texas, boy, everything's big down heah!"
The drunk finishes the beer and asks where the bathroom is. "Down the hall, first door on the right" the barman answers.
The drunk stumbles down the hall and opens the first door on the left ....which is where the swimming pool is......he steps up next to the water, unzips his pants, and falls face first into the water. As he flounders around in the pool, the maintenance man walks in and slams the door shut.
The drunk screams..... "Don't flush it! Don't flush it!"
Guitars
Wilburn Versatare, '52 FrankenTele(Fender licensed parts), Fender USA Roadhouse Strat, Fender USA Standard B-bender Telecaster, Agile AL 3000 w/ WCR pickups, Ibanez MIJ V300 Acoustic, Squier Precision Bass,
Amps
Ceriatone Overtone Special, Musicman 212 Sixty-Five, Fender Blues Jr., Peavey Classic 30, Fender Super Reverb, Traynor YCV-40 WR Anniversary w/ matching 1x12 ext. cab, Epiphone SoCal 50w head w/ matching 4x12 cab (Lady Luck speakers), Avatar 2x12 semi-open back cab w/ Celestion speakers
Pedals
Digitech Bad Monkey, Digitech Jamman, DVM's ZYS, Goodrich volume pedal
A dude is driving in heavy traffic. Suddenly all the cars in front of him stop. He stomps the brake pedal, but still smashes into the car in front of him.
A man about 3 feet tall jumps out of the car the dude just hit, walks back to the dude's car, hands on his hips, frowning, and yells "I'm not happy!!"
The guy answers...... "OK, which one are you?"
Guitars
Wilburn Versatare, '52 FrankenTele(Fender licensed parts), Fender USA Roadhouse Strat, Fender USA Standard B-bender Telecaster, Agile AL 3000 w/ WCR pickups, Ibanez MIJ V300 Acoustic, Squier Precision Bass,
Amps
Ceriatone Overtone Special, Musicman 212 Sixty-Five, Fender Blues Jr., Peavey Classic 30, Fender Super Reverb, Traynor YCV-40 WR Anniversary w/ matching 1x12 ext. cab, Epiphone SoCal 50w head w/ matching 4x12 cab (Lady Luck speakers), Avatar 2x12 semi-open back cab w/ Celestion speakers
Pedals
Digitech Bad Monkey, Digitech Jamman, DVM's ZYS, Goodrich volume pedal
After Sunday school little Kimmy goes up to the pastor and says "pastor can I ask you something?" The pastor replies "sure what do you wish to know?"
Little Kimmy asks, "well, is it true that when we die we turn to dust?" The pastor replies "yes that is what the scriptures say." "Well then is it true when we are born we come from the dust?" The pastor replies "yes the scriptures also say this."
Little Kimmy looks away into the distance with a very troubled look on her face. The pastor asks "why the troubled expression little Kimmy?" Kimmy replies "it's just that I looked under my bed this morning and I can't figure out if someone is coming or going."
"No Tele For you." - The Tele Nazi
Ha! Tele-ish now inbound.
Good joke.
Guitars
Wilburn Versatare, '52 FrankenTele(Fender licensed parts), Fender USA Roadhouse Strat, Fender USA Standard B-bender Telecaster, Agile AL 3000 w/ WCR pickups, Ibanez MIJ V300 Acoustic, Squier Precision Bass,
Amps
Ceriatone Overtone Special, Musicman 212 Sixty-Five, Fender Blues Jr., Peavey Classic 30, Fender Super Reverb, Traynor YCV-40 WR Anniversary w/ matching 1x12 ext. cab, Epiphone SoCal 50w head w/ matching 4x12 cab (Lady Luck speakers), Avatar 2x12 semi-open back cab w/ Celestion speakers
Pedals
Digitech Bad Monkey, Digitech Jamman, DVM's ZYS, Goodrich volume pedal
/\ +1 hilarious
"the emperor is rich, but he cannot buy another year"
-anonymous chinese person
"the thief is sorry for being hung, not for being a thief"
-anonymous
"We are not nationalities, we are not races, we are not political parties, we are not social classes, we are not cultures, we are not subcultures, and we are not churches, but when all things are said and done, the guns are shot, the riots have died down, one thing is true, and that should preceed all other things, we are, without division: HUMAN BEINGS, is that not good enough an excuse stop shooting people, and letting others starve to death?" -Pie_man_25
Two blondes were on a hike, and one said, "Oh, look! Deer tracks!"
The other said, "I think those are actually bear tracks."
Then the train hit them.
"When I play, I express my feelings very fast." -Yomo Toro
A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worry about getting seasick.
The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.''
The guy replies, ''Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?''
The doctor says, ''No, but it'll look real pretty in the water.''
Guitars: '05 MIA Fender Strat HSS, '04 MIA Fender Strat SSS, '03 Burns Steer, '83 Hondo LP copy (project)
Amps: Fender Blues Jr., Line 6 Spider II 112
Pedals: Boss BD-2, Boss CS-3, Boss DS-1, Ibanez TS9DX, Ibanez AW7, Ibanez FZ7, DigiTech Bad Monkey, BYOC Lazy Sprocket (in progress - almost there), Danelectro Cool Cat Chorus.
A golfer hits his ball off the green and it lands in forested rough.thinking he may be able to get it out he grabs his three wood,with a mighty swing he hits the ball that hits a tree bringing the ball back at him.hits him it the forehead killing him instantly.when he gets to heaven St. Peter asks him are you a good golfer? he says Well I made up here in Two didn't I?
Life is like a camera, just focus on what’s important and capture the good times, develop from the negatives and if things don’t work out, just take another shot. ~ Anonymous
Guitars: 1967(year they came out): Fender Coronado II Wildwood I ,Fullerton ST- 4 Fat Strat , Esteban Legacy acous/elec,99 MIA Standard Fender Strat
Amph's Original Roland Cube 15,Drive 30 w/spring reverb
What's blue and eats brownies?
A person choking to death on one.
ya thought I was gonna say cub scout didn't ya?
_____
GUITARS - Carvin DC127M - Carvin Bolt kit
AMPS - Bogner Alchemist 112 - Blackheart Handsome Devil half stack
FXs - Roger Linn Adrenalinn III - Boss GT-10
_____
Originally Posted by player
You know why they call it "golf," don't ya?
Because "SH!T" was already taken.
Guitars:
Fender 2006 MIM Fender Stratocaster HSS in 3TS
Ibanez RG 570 with a bridge Invader
ESP M II Deluxe with a Tune-o-Matic bridge
Eleanor, the magical, mystical Road Worn wonder Tele
Blackstar HT Club 40
So two guys were out golfing -- hm, would this be funnier if they're lawyers? Ok, they're lawyers -- two lawyers were out golfing, and they noticed the two women on the green ahead of them were taking a long time. One of the lawyers says, "I'll go up and ask if we can play through." He goes, but stops and comes back, ashen faced. "I can't talk to them! That's my wife and my mistress!"
The other lawyer says, "Hey, no problem. I'll go." But then he stops and comes back, and he says, "Heh. Small world."
"When I play, I express my feelings very fast." -Yomo Toro
*** WARNING possibly ANOTHER offensive joke ***
A man walk into the General Store and sees Ole Blue the Bloodhound, bet over his’self licking his privates.
The man remarks to the clerk with a wink “I shore wish I could to that”!
The clerk replies, “Wall, be careful. . .. He Bites”
Gearlist:
Electric: Ibanez 'AS103', Fender Dlx Nash Pwr Tele, Fender Squier '62 JV Strat, Squier '51, Squier 60's Classic Vibe Strat, Epi Elite LP Studio, Hagstrom Swede Acoustic: Larrivee LV-03RE, A&L AMI, Yamaha FG340-T Bass: Yamaha BB 450 Amps: Roland JC-120, JC-50, Peavey Classic 30, Fender Super Champ XD Pedals: Marshall Guv'nor Plus, Danelectro Cool Cat Drive, Transparent Overdrive, Digitech Digiverb, Bad Monkey, Ibanez TS-9, Boss AC-2, CE-5, CS-2, DD-3, DF-2, DS-1, FV-100, GE-7, OC-2, PSM-5, SD-1, TU-2, DVM~BYOC 'Lush Puppy' Chorus
Alternate ending: "Why don't you just pet him?"Originally Posted by Algonquin
Axen: Jackson DK2M, Fender Deluxe Nashville Telecaster, Reverend Warhawk 390, Taylor 914ce, ESP LTD Surveyor-414
Amphen: Jet City JCA22H and JCA12S cab, Carvin X-60 combo, Acoustic B20
Effecten: "Thesis 96" Overdrive/Boost (aka DVM OD2), Hardwire DL-8 Digital Delay/Looper, DigiTech Polara Reverb, DigiTech EX-7 Expression Factory and CF-7 Chorus Factory, Danelectro CF-1 Cool Cat Fuzz
"I wish Imagine Dragons would be stuck in an Arcade Fire for an entire Vampire Weekend."--Brian Posehn