Funny Jokes, anyone?

[Robert]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007
models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$80,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is???!!!"

 

[pie_man_25]

I've got two:
One day, an IRS agent is giving an elderly man an audit, the man walks into the office and asks "can I bring in my attourney?" the agent answers "why yes you can, it's really quite common, we're really just observing that you have large spending habits, and yet no employment, how can that be so?" the old man answers, "I gamble". The agent, and educated man, does not see much possibility, and so states his disbelief, "how so?". The old man says "it's smart gambling, an example: I bet $3,000 I can bite my left eye"
the agent, knowing that he can't bite his own eye agrees. To his dismay, the man pulls out a glass eye, bites it, and puts back into the left socket. the old man then says " I bet $3,000 I can bite my right eye", the IRS man agrees, seeing that this man doesn't have two glass eyes. His jaw drops as he sees the man pull out some dentures and bite his right eye. the old man says "I'll give you double or nothing: $6,000 that I can pee on one side of your desk onto the garbage can on the other side of the desk wiithout getting a drop anywhere else" The IRS agent agrees, seeing that he doesn't want to lose six-thousand, and also that this man can NOT pull off this stunt. so the old man gets to the desk's side, unzips, and pees ALL OVER THE DESK, the IRS man was relieved, he then proceeds to ask "why the hell is your attourney bashing his head against the wall?" and the old man grins and replies: "I bet HIM $100,000 that I could pee all over your desk and you'd be HAPPY about it!"

a woman is teaching a kindergarden class, and she gives all of her students some life-savers. She has them figure out all of the flavours of the candies, and they had an easy time doing it until she gave them the honey-flavoured ones. She gives them a hint "It's what mommy calls daddy sometimes!", and one of the little girls spits it out of her mouth and yells out "Oh my god they're ********!!!!"

 

[kiteman]

That last one got me. :rotflmao:

 

[Spudman]

Three men married.

The first man married a woman from Michigan . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Texas . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Idaho . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

 

[ibanezjunkie]

a man and his daughter are sitting at the table eating breakfast.

DAUGHTER: Daddy, whats the best thing in the world?

FATHER: its you, darling i dont even have to think.

DAUGHTER hmm, well...for me its Sausages.


im not sure if thats funny but it sure makes me laugh.

 

[sumitomo]

Bob was leaving the early morning worship service one Sunday morning,when his friend Sam noticed that his friend Bob had a black eye.Sam asked Bob how he got the shiner.Bob told Sam,You know,when we stood up to sing a hymm,I noticed that Mrs. Jones had her skirt stuck in the folds of her butt.So,I thought it would be ok to lightly tug on her skirt to release it from being stuck in her butt.And all of a sudden she turned and socked me in the eye knocking me backwards over the pew.Bob told Sam I know better that to do that again.Well two weeks later Sam noticed Bob had another black eye.Sam asked Bob,You didn't tug on Mrs. Jones skirt again did you? OH! Hell no! Bob said,I figured she liked it that way,So I tucked it back in.


Who would ever think that President Obama would sign his stimulus package at the same desk that President Clinton got his package stimulated!


Sumi

 

[Robert]

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the heck was that all about?"

-------
Here is a :smile-us: joke for ya.
I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?"

-------
I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio?

 

[Spudman]

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the heck was that all about?"

That's awesome! :bravo:

 

[bedroom rocker]

a man from new zealand spent four years training a household fly to do amazing tricks, upon command it could backflip, moonwalk and even sing frank sinatra songs. so one day this man decides to take the fly to a bar and show it off. he walks into a bar and approaches the bartender. he says "look, ive got this amazing fly that can do a variety of tricks, can i get a spot on stage tonight?"
the bartender is sceptical: "ok, show us then" so the guy pulls the fly out of his matchbox, and the fly lands on the bar. "moonwalk!" he says, and the fly starts moonwalking better than michael jackson. the bartender says "thats amazing!! i can get you an agent, hes on the phone there in the corner, go up and say hi!" so the man approaches the agent whos on the phone, pulls out the fly and sits it on the phone book. before he could give it a command, the agent hangs up the phone, slams his fist down on the phonebook and says "bloody flies, now what can i do for you?" :rotflmao:

 

[sumitomo]

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize and play games.The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be hosts,Janet wanted to outdo all the others.Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak,but the mushrooms were too expensive.
Her husband Al said,Why dont you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms?There are alot of them there.
His wife Janet answered aren't they poisonous? Al replyed no I see the dog eating them all the time and he's still alive.
So Al picked a bunch of mushrooms,and they had a big shindig with lots of folks from the Church and everyone loved the mushroom steaks,they even had a server help.
After dinner was finished the server went up to Janet and told her Mrs Janet your dog is dead.Janet ran to Al to tell him this news and they decided to call the hospitial and see what to do.So everyone had their stomachs pumped and a enimmea.After they were finished they were all sitting in the livingroom feeling lousy,and the server went to Janet and told her and the man who ran over the dog didn't even stop. Sumi

 

[Spudman]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the _ _ _ _ out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago.....'

 

[sumitomo]

My wife and I were watching "Who wants to be a millionaire"while we were in bed.I turned to her and said,"Do you want to have sex?"
"No,"she answered.
I then said,"Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time,simply saying,"Yes."
So I said,"Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started................... Sumi

 

[kiteman]

My wife and I were watching "Who wants to be a millionaire"while we were in bed.I turned to her and said,"Do you want to have sex?"
"No,"she answered.
I then said,"Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time,simply saying,"Yes."
So I said,"Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started................... Sumi

Heh, good one. :rotflmao:

 

[Robert]

Sounds like sumi needed an extra lifeline there... hehe

 

[Spudman]

Ole, had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole. "Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer.



Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."


"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!' "?


Ole said, "Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Minnesota Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he i s a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move.

However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after da accident da Minnesota Highway Patrolman came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said,


"How are you feeling?''


"Now vat the hell vould YOU say?"

 

[sumitomo]

A man was sunbathing naked on the beach.For the sake of civility,and to keep from getting sunburned,he had his hat over his private parts.
A women walks past and says,snickering,"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself. Sumi

 

[Spudman]

Some oxymorons you can use everyday

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation

40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization

35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead

30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence

25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."

20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force

15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased

10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly

5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

 

[sumitomo]

I got some new deodorant and the instructions said,"REMOVE CAP AND PUSH UP BOTTOM"

I can barely walk but when I fart it smells amazing! Sumi

 

[sumitomo]

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of Kentucky.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away,the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon,eggs and toast.However,John noticed a film like substance on his plate and questioned his grandfather asking,"Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied,"They're as clean as coldwater can get 'em.Just go ahead and finish your meal,Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.Again John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,"Are you sure these plates are clean?"Without looking up the old man said,"I told you before,Sonny,those dished are as clean as coldwater can get 'em.Now don't you fret,I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon,John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving,his grandfather's dog started to growl,and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said,"Grandfather,your dog won't let me get to my car."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on the T.V. the old man shouted,

"COLDWATER,GO LAY DOWN NOW,YAH HEAR ME?"

Sumi

 

[sumitomo]

Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery.He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices,however,that all of the monks are copying from copies,not from the original manuscript.So,the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this,pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy,it would never be picked up! In fact,that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says,"We have been copying from the copies for centuries,but you make a good point ,my son."

So he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the orginal manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!," his forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollaby.The young monk asks the old abbot,"What's wrong father?"and with A choking voice,the old man replies,The word was

CELEB R ATE! Sumi

 

[Rampant]

Young woman walks up to a bloke in a bar she quite fancies...

"Hi. My name is Carmen. Two of my favourite things. Cars. And men. What's your name"

A huge grin crosses the bloke's face as he answers... "Boozepussy"

 

[sumitomo]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.All the patients were shouting,13.....13.....13...'

The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks,so I looked through to see what was going on.............and someone poked me in the eye with a stick!!!!!!!!!!

Then they all started shouting 14...........14.........14.... Sumi

 

[kiteman]

Heh, that's a good one.

 

[Robert]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.All the patients were shouting,13.....13.....13...'

The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks,so I looked through to see what was going on.............and someone poked me in the eye with a stick!!!!!!!!!!

Then they all started shouting 14...........14.........14.... Sumi

:luvit

 

[bigG]

That's a good one, sumi! :crazyguy

 

[sumitomo]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

'Tony,do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am.My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her planegot hit.She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey,a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,killed four more with the knife,till the blade broke,and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands!

'Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher.'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?

'Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking!' Sumi

 

[sumitomo]

An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man,put it in another,and have him looking for work in 6 weeks." A british doctor says: "Thats nothing,we can take a lung out of one person,put it in another,and have him looking for work in 4 weeks." A Canadian doctor says:"In my country medicine is so far advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person,put it in another,and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks."A American doctor,not to be outdone,says:"You guys are way behind............We just took a man with NO brain,made him President,and now the whole country is looking for work. Sumi

 

[Spudman]

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great scooter?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,
minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this scooter,
threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what
you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the
clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

 

[Monkus]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll give you a 100 dollars if you let me have sex with you..." but the girl said "NO."
Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for 200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.
She agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.. She said "The b*stard used coins!"

 

[Spudman]

Understanding Engineers

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"