Mr Pants
Well-known member
As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.
Funny Jokes, anyone?
- Thread starter Robert
- Start date
Spudman
Luke Skyrawker
:rolloverMr Pants said:
Mr Pants
Well-known member
I've got a few more but I'm going to ration them out.....
Mr Pants
Well-known member
A retro joke - What password does O J Simpson use on his computer?
slash,slash, back slash, escape.
slash,slash, back slash, escape.
Robert
Oranges and lemons, say the bells of St. Clements.
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Mr Pants
Well-known member
Cheese
Someone just threw a big block of cheese at me. I said that's not very mature, is it?
Someone just threw a big block of cheese at me. I said that's not very mature, is it?
Mr Pants
Well-known member
Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted
Mr Pants
Well-known member
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, 'I have a question to ask but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me.. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1, you have to be single and
2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, 'I have a question to ask but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me.. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1, you have to be single and
2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'
Spudman
Luke Skyrawker
Custody case
Colorado Judge gives 7 year old right to decide custody.
A seven year old boy was at the center of a county courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him..
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Denver Broncos, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Colorado Judge gives 7 year old right to decide custody.
A seven year old boy was at the center of a county courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him..
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Denver Broncos, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
sumitomo
Well-known member
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.When the milkman read the note,he felt there must be a mistake.He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,"I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said,"No,I want 25 gallons.I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a bath so I can look young and beautiful again."The milkman asked,"Do you want it pasteurized?"The blonde said,"No,just up to my tits.I can splash it on my eyes." Sumi
Katastrophe
Well-known member
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Good one, sumi!
Spudman
Luke Skyrawker
A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous!
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
"What are you doing?" he asks.
I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous!
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
bcdon
Displaced Texan
HAHA. Thanks Sumi and Spudman, those are awesome!!
Spudman
Luke Skyrawker
When Gene Krupa died, being one of the greatest drummers of all time, he of
course went to heaven. (Gene wasn't perfect, but God appreciates talent). When
Krupa arrived at the pearly gates, St Peter told him that they had him all set
up with his own cloud and a vintage set of Ludwigs, an exact replica of the kit
he used back on earth. He asked Gene if he had any other requests, and Gene
says, "Just one. Now that I'm here, all I want is to be able to play the drums
and not have to worry about Buddy Rich. I hate that SOB, and I don't want to
see, hear, or in any way have to deal with that arrogant bastard ever again."
"No problem," St Peter said. "Consider it done."
So a couple of days later, Gene is jamming away on his cloud, and all of a
sudden he hears some awesome drumming off in the distance. It was so clean and
fast and furious, there was only one person who it could be. Gene was absolutely
livid, so he went straight to St Peter and said "What's the deal? I ask for one
little thing, just one, and before I know it, here comes Buddy Rich. Are you
trying to drive me crazy?"
"Oh, that's not Buddy Rich, " said St Peter. "It's God. He just thinks he's
Buddy Rich."
course went to heaven. (Gene wasn't perfect, but God appreciates talent). When
Krupa arrived at the pearly gates, St Peter told him that they had him all set
up with his own cloud and a vintage set of Ludwigs, an exact replica of the kit
he used back on earth. He asked Gene if he had any other requests, and Gene
says, "Just one. Now that I'm here, all I want is to be able to play the drums
and not have to worry about Buddy Rich. I hate that SOB, and I don't want to
see, hear, or in any way have to deal with that arrogant bastard ever again."
"No problem," St Peter said. "Consider it done."
So a couple of days later, Gene is jamming away on his cloud, and all of a
sudden he hears some awesome drumming off in the distance. It was so clean and
fast and furious, there was only one person who it could be. Gene was absolutely
livid, so he went straight to St Peter and said "What's the deal? I ask for one
little thing, just one, and before I know it, here comes Buddy Rich. Are you
trying to drive me crazy?"
"Oh, that's not Buddy Rich, " said St Peter. "It's God. He just thinks he's
Buddy Rich."
kiteman
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This guy decided he wants an unusual pet so he went to a pet store and after looking around bought a centipede. He decided to name him Clyde.
When they got home the guy went about setting up a pad for Clyde to sleep and after the work he said to Clyde, "What say we go hit a bar and down a few suds?"
Clyde said nothing.
After a while the guy said, "C'mon, let's go to the bar."
Still Clyde said nothing.
Exasperated the guy said, "Don't you want to go to a bar with me or not Clyde?"
Clyde said, "I heard you the first time man, I'm putting my shoes on!"
When they got home the guy went about setting up a pad for Clyde to sleep and after the work he said to Clyde, "What say we go hit a bar and down a few suds?"
Clyde said nothing.
After a while the guy said, "C'mon, let's go to the bar."
Still Clyde said nothing.
Exasperated the guy said, "Don't you want to go to a bar with me or not Clyde?"
Clyde said, "I heard you the first time man, I'm putting my shoes on!"
poodlesrule
Well-known member
Pokemon: a Jamaican proctologist.
(I have two on staff, neither of them Jamaicans, sadly...!)
(I have two on staff, neither of them Jamaicans, sadly...!)
bcdon
Displaced Texan
You have two what on staff? Pokemons or proctologists?
Spudman
Luke Skyrawker
oldguy
Lefty O'lman
cat as trophe
(cat's) as$ trophy
(cat's) as$ trophy
ZMAN
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- North of the Equator: I am a Southerner, Southern
I hope nobody posted this one.
A guy finally saves up enough money to buy a Super Bowl Ticket. He heads out to the game and finds his seat. He sits down and he sees an empty seat and a guy sitting on the other side. He turns to the guy and says "wow an empty seat at the Super Bowl. " The guy turns to him with a sad look and says yes that was is my wife's seat. We never missed a game in 25 years. And she passed away. The first guy gives his condolences and sits back. it really bugs him that the guy would keep an empty seat, so he blurts out. Couldn't you give the seat to one of your friends or relatives.
The second guys says No they are all at the funeral!
A guy finally saves up enough money to buy a Super Bowl Ticket. He heads out to the game and finds his seat. He sits down and he sees an empty seat and a guy sitting on the other side. He turns to the guy and says "wow an empty seat at the Super Bowl. " The guy turns to him with a sad look and says yes that was is my wife's seat. We never missed a game in 25 years. And she passed away. The first guy gives his condolences and sits back. it really bugs him that the guy would keep an empty seat, so he blurts out. Couldn't you give the seat to one of your friends or relatives.
The second guys says No they are all at the funeral!
poodlesrule
Well-known member
Did you hear about the computer programmer who starved to death in the
shower? The shampoo directions said, "Wash, rinse, repeat."
.
shower? The shampoo directions said, "Wash, rinse, repeat."
.
Eric
Well-known member
Nice. That's worth at least a chuckle.
Robert
Oranges and lemons, say the bells of St. Clements.
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- Camrose, Alberta, Canada - used to be Umea Sweden.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Please
be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "its not just one car Its hundreds of them!"
urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Please
be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "its not just one car Its hundreds of them!"
poodlesrule
Well-known member
.... Posted in a veterinarian's office: "Back in 5 minutes. Sit. Stay."
.
.
poodlesrule
Well-known member
Come on people, we need some levity!
Here's one:
Marriage Counseling
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife go for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife starts in on a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the years they've been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she's had to endure.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays I go fishing."
.
Here's one:
Marriage Counseling
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife go for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife starts in on a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the years they've been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she's had to endure.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays I go fishing."
.
Robert
Oranges and lemons, say the bells of St. Clements.
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- Camrose, Alberta, Canada - used to be Umea Sweden.
metronome: a city-dwelling dwarf.
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