Cheesy joke thread. come on everyone contribute!
- Thread starter The_Shredinator21
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bigoldron
Well-known member
marnold said:
Druther binary than hex... :rotflmao:
Bloozcat
Leggo of my HoHo!
A Bad Day
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his
drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making
biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it
down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a
menacing stare as if to say,
'What'cha gonna do about it?'
The poor little guy starts crying.
'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the
biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand
to see a man crying.
'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little
guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.' 'I
overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my
boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found
my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I
left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife
in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to
put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink
the damn poison.
Where Did The White Man Go Wrong?
Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government
official,
"You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen
his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your
opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and
then calmly replied.
"When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough
think he improve system like that."
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his
drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making
biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it
down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a
menacing stare as if to say,
'What'cha gonna do about it?'
The poor little guy starts crying.
'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the
biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand
to see a man crying.
'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little
guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.' 'I
overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my
boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found
my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I
left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife
in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to
put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink
the damn poison.
Where Did The White Man Go Wrong?
Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government
official,
"You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen
his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your
opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and
then calmly replied.
"When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough
think he improve system like that."
Ro3b
Well-known member
The Human Cannonball comes storming into the circus manager's tent, slams his fist down on the manager's desk, and says, "I've had it with this show! I quit!"
The manager says, "But you CAN'T quit!"
The Human Cannonball says, "Oh, yeah? Why the hell not?"
The manager says, "I'll never find another man of your caliber!"
The manager says, "But you CAN'T quit!"
The Human Cannonball says, "Oh, yeah? Why the hell not?"
The manager says, "I'll never find another man of your caliber!"
bigoldron
Well-known member
Bloozcat said:
Two Eagles has heap big good point there!
sumitomo
Well-known member
Turkey
A Game Warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carring a wild turkey under his arm.He stopped and asked the boy,'Where did you get that turkey?'
The boy replied,'What turkey?'
The Game Warden said,'That turkey you're carring under your arm.'
The boy looks down and said,'Well lookee here,a turkey done roosted under my arm!'
The Game Warden said,Now look,you know turkey season is closed,so whatever you do to that turkey,I'm going to do to you.
If you break his leg,I'm gonna break your leg.If you break his wing I,m gonna break your arm.Now what are you gonna do to him?
The little boy looked at the Game Warden and said,'Well I,m just gunna kiss his a$$ and let him go.
Sumi
A Game Warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carring a wild turkey under his arm.He stopped and asked the boy,'Where did you get that turkey?'
The boy replied,'What turkey?'
The Game Warden said,'That turkey you're carring under your arm.'
The boy looks down and said,'Well lookee here,a turkey done roosted under my arm!'
The Game Warden said,Now look,you know turkey season is closed,so whatever you do to that turkey,I'm going to do to you.
If you break his leg,I'm gonna break your leg.If you break his wing I,m gonna break your arm.Now what are you gonna do to him?
The little boy looked at the Game Warden and said,'Well I,m just gunna kiss his a$$ and let him go.
Sumi
Guitar Gal
Well-known member
- Joined
- Sep 17, 2007
- Messages
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I thought of a couple:
What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
An interpreter.
How did Helen Kellar break her arm?
Trying to read a stop sign at 60 mph!
oke:
GG
What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
An interpreter.
How did Helen Kellar break her arm?
Trying to read a stop sign at 60 mph!
oke:GG
oldguy
Lefty O'lman
How about one for the blonde guys??
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
:rotflmao: :rotflmao:
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
:rotflmao: :rotflmao:
warren0728
Well-known member
ok....keeping with the blind theme....
what do you call a tennis match between hellen keller and stevie wonder....
endless love....
what do you call a tennis match between hellen keller and stevie wonder....
endless love....
sumitomo
Well-known member
What's this world comming to?
I was so depressed the other night thinking about the election results I called 1-800-Lifeline.Got a darned call center in Pakistan.I told them I was suicidal.They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.Sumi
I was so depressed the other night thinking about the election results I called 1-800-Lifeline.Got a darned call center in Pakistan.I told them I was suicidal.They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.Sumi
sunvalleylaw
Contributing Member
Ok, I can never remember jokes but my Dad's favorite pun is very corny.
My brother and me: "Dad, we are going to go play at the Wells' "
My Dad: "Ok, don't fall in."
Ba Dum Dum . . .
My brother and me: "Dad, we are going to go play at the Wells' "
My Dad: "Ok, don't fall in."
Ba Dum Dum . . .
sunvalleylaw
Contributing Member
Thanks for catching that Kris! LOL!
Spudman
Luke Skyrawker
THE MODERATOR ELEVATOR....
An Moderator boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls
that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life.
I don't know what it is'.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large
old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a
button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued
to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began
to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a
gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son..... 'Go get your mother.'
An Moderator boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls
that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life.
I don't know what it is'.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large
old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a
button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued
to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began
to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a
gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son..... 'Go get your mother.'
Last edited:
bigoldron
Well-known member
Here's one of the funniest things I've heard concerning marriage:
All too true! :rotflmao:
All too true! :rotflmao:
bigoldron
Well-known member
One more marriage joke:
A man and woman had just come back from their honeymoon and were getting ready for bed. The man took his trousers off and tossed them on the bed. "See if you can wear those," he told his new wife. "You know I can't wear those," she replied. "That's right," said the man, "and remember who wears the pants in this house."
"OK," said the woman. She then took her panties off and tossed them on the bed next to the trousers. "See if you can get in those," she said. "You know I can't" said the man. "That's right," replied the woman, "and until your attitude changes, you won't!"
A man and woman had just come back from their honeymoon and were getting ready for bed. The man took his trousers off and tossed them on the bed. "See if you can wear those," he told his new wife. "You know I can't wear those," she replied. "That's right," said the man, "and remember who wears the pants in this house."
"OK," said the woman. She then took her panties off and tossed them on the bed next to the trousers. "See if you can get in those," she said. "You know I can't" said the man. "That's right," replied the woman, "and until your attitude changes, you won't!"
thearabianmage
Well-known member
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant's finger. . .
How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
12 - 1 to change it and 11 to say how much better they could have done it.
What happened to the crack-dealing demon?
He got done for possession. . .
A blonde and a brunette are at a bar and the 6 o'clock news comes on. A guy is threatening to jump off a bridge and kill himself. The blonde turns to the brunette and says 'betcha $10 he doesn't jump'. Having seen the news earlier on and knowing the man does jump, the brunette accepts the bet. Once the man jumps, the blonde starts handing over the $10 and the brunette says 'I can't accept this - I saw the 5 o'clock news and I knew he would jump.' 'So did I,' replies the blonde 'but I just didn't think he'd jump again.'
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and asks for two drinks. '$5.69' the bartender says, and the man swiftly put his hand in his pocket and pulled out the correct change. The next day, the same man comes in with the same ostrich and orders two different drinks. '$7.54' the bartender says, and again the man puts his hand in his pocket and swiftly produces the exact change. The third day the man comes in with the ostrich and orders two different drinks, with the same results. 'Can I ask you a question?' the bartender asks, 'How do you know exactly how much the drinks will be and what's up with the bird?' 'Well, I ran into a genie and he gave me two wishes. My first was to have the correct change for anything I owed in my pocket. Then I asked for a chick with long legs.'
At the end of a giant's finger. . .
How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
12 - 1 to change it and 11 to say how much better they could have done it.
What happened to the crack-dealing demon?
He got done for possession. . .
A blonde and a brunette are at a bar and the 6 o'clock news comes on. A guy is threatening to jump off a bridge and kill himself. The blonde turns to the brunette and says 'betcha $10 he doesn't jump'. Having seen the news earlier on and knowing the man does jump, the brunette accepts the bet. Once the man jumps, the blonde starts handing over the $10 and the brunette says 'I can't accept this - I saw the 5 o'clock news and I knew he would jump.' 'So did I,' replies the blonde 'but I just didn't think he'd jump again.'
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and asks for two drinks. '$5.69' the bartender says, and the man swiftly put his hand in his pocket and pulled out the correct change. The next day, the same man comes in with the same ostrich and orders two different drinks. '$7.54' the bartender says, and again the man puts his hand in his pocket and swiftly produces the exact change. The third day the man comes in with the ostrich and orders two different drinks, with the same results. 'Can I ask you a question?' the bartender asks, 'How do you know exactly how much the drinks will be and what's up with the bird?' 'Well, I ran into a genie and he gave me two wishes. My first was to have the correct change for anything I owed in my pocket. Then I asked for a chick with long legs.'
stingx
Well-known member
I posted a funny to contribute and the censorship police jumped on me. I suppose I am a dinosaur living in an overly PC world. I should have known better than to have posted in the first place. :thwap:
sumitomo
Well-known member
A woman was traveling in the Arizona desert when her car broke down.There was nothing around,until a Indian came along riding a horse.The woman told him that her car was broke and he told her to get on the horse and he would give her a ride to the nearest town.Every so often this Indian would let out a loud 'Ye-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a'.When they finally made it the the town he stopped at the local service station and as she was getting ready to get off the horse the Indian let out another 'Ye-e-e-e-ha-a-a-a-a'.The station worker asked her what she did to get the Indian so exctied.Nothing she said I just climbed on the back of the horse put my arms around him and grabbed on the saddle horn so I would'nt fall off.The station worked then told her that Indians dont use a saddle.Sumi
sunvalleylaw
Contributing Member
Mama Claus was in bed looking fetchingly at Mr. Claus as he looked out the window on a dark and stormy night. She called to him, "What are you doing?" He replied: "Watching the Rein - deer".
bigoldron
Well-known member
This 6 year old kid loved everything about being a fireman when he grew up. He had fire trucks and toy helmets and all he talked about was being a fireman. One day, he decided to make himself a real fire truck. So he took his little red wagon, his dog and cat, a ladder and some rope and got busy.
Later that day, he drove it by the fire station to show it off. The real fireman was washing the real fire truck out in front of the station, when the kid pulled up with his homemade one. "That's a mighty fire truck you got there, son." said the fireman.
"Thanks mister fireman." said the boy.
"I like your little ladder and how you've got the dog and cat pulling the wagon so you can go fast." the man said. "Thanks again mister." replied the kid.
"Can I make just one suggestion?" asked the fireman. "If you take the rope OFF the cat's privates and tied it to his collar, then he could help pull the wagon better." offer the man.
"But, if I do that," answered the boy, "then I won't have a siren any more." :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Later that day, he drove it by the fire station to show it off. The real fireman was washing the real fire truck out in front of the station, when the kid pulled up with his homemade one. "That's a mighty fire truck you got there, son." said the fireman.
"Thanks mister fireman." said the boy.
"I like your little ladder and how you've got the dog and cat pulling the wagon so you can go fast." the man said. "Thanks again mister." replied the kid.
"Can I make just one suggestion?" asked the fireman. "If you take the rope OFF the cat's privates and tied it to his collar, then he could help pull the wagon better." offer the man.
"But, if I do that," answered the boy, "then I won't have a siren any more." :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
sumitomo
Well-known member
Last night my wife and I were in the living room talking,I told her if I get really ill "I never want to live in a vegetative state dependant on some machine and fluids from a bottle" then she got up unplugged my computer and poured out my beer!Shes such a b itch.Sumi
sumitomo
Well-known member
In D.C.,a guy sees a sign in front of a house:
Talking Dog for sale
He rings the belland the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes in the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
Dam straight.The dog replies.
So what's your story dog?
The dog looks up and says,"Well,I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government,so I told the CIA about my gift,and in no time they had me jetting from country to country,sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,because ne one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.The jetting around really tired me out,and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.So I signed up for a job at the airport at do some undercover work,mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.Had a wife,a mess of puppies,and now I'm just retired.
The guy is amazed.He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says,"Ten dollars."
THe guy says,This dog is amazing.Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?
"Cause he's a liar He didn't do any of that sheit."
Sumi
Talking Dog for sale
He rings the belland the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes in the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
Dam straight.The dog replies.
So what's your story dog?
The dog looks up and says,"Well,I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government,so I told the CIA about my gift,and in no time they had me jetting from country to country,sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,because ne one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.The jetting around really tired me out,and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.So I signed up for a job at the airport at do some undercover work,mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.Had a wife,a mess of puppies,and now I'm just retired.
The guy is amazed.He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says,"Ten dollars."
THe guy says,This dog is amazing.Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?
"Cause he's a liar He didn't do any of that sheit."
Sumi
sumitomo
Well-known member
A young highschool jock goes to a whorehouse,the madam asks him"How can I help you son" He replys "I'd like some sex mamm"She asked "Do you have any experience"To which he replied"Na I don't have any experience.So the madam told him look I have high class girls here,so you go out into the woods find a knot hole in a tree and practice on it,then come back.So a week goes by a the young jock goes back to the whore house and asks again Mamm I'd like some sex please,She asks him"Did you do what I told you to do and get some experience."To which he replied "Yep I've got experience"So she told him to go down the hall last door on the right,Her name is Sally.Well he wasn't down there more than a minute and a screamming girl was heard,so she ran down there to see this young jock going at this girl with a broom handle.She yells at him what are you doing?He replies"Look I'm not a stupid as I look I'm checking for bees first.
Sumi
Sumi
Spudman
Luke Skyrawker
I was reading in the National Enquirer today that Dolly Parton apparently owns the most expensive shoes ever made. Have you seen them?
Neither has she.
Neither has she.
sumitomo
Well-known member
A woman went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet that they are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said,"Shore is, little lady.Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you.?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself,so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing,he said,"Well thankee, ma'am Ah'm real flattered.Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
Dont be flattered.She said,Thake the money and buy yourself some boots that fit!
Sumi
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet that they are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said,"Shore is, little lady.Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you.?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself,so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing,he said,"Well thankee, ma'am Ah'm real flattered.Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
Dont be flattered.She said,Thake the money and buy yourself some boots that fit!
Sumi
peachhead
Well-known member
This is a great thread. Keep 'em comin', I need the laughs! :AOK:
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