Cheesy joke thread. come on everyone contribute!

[sumitomo]

"Whatever you give a woman,she will make greater.If you give her sperm,she'll give you a baby.If you give her a house she,ll give you a home.If you give her groceries,she'll give you a meal.If you give her a smile,she'll give you her heart.......She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.So,if you give her any crap,be ready to receive a ton of she it!!!

Sumi

 

[Spudman]

Two drummers walk into a bar...which is kind of strange because you'd think the second one would have seen it.

 

[sumitomo]

A husband asks his wife "When I get mad at you,you never fight back.How do you control your anger?"


"I clean the toilet bowl."


"How does that help?"


"I use your toothbrush"



Sumi

 

[sumitomo]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road,and she got out to see if it was still alive.It was,and she said to her husband,"It's nearly frozen to death.Can we take it with us,get it warm,and let it go in the morning?"


He says,"OK,get in the car with it."

The wife says,"Where shall I put it to get warm?"

He says,"Put it between your legs.It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?" said the wife.

He answered"Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover,but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.



Sumi

 

[sumitomo]

!!!!!!!!!!!!!Notice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There will be no Nativity Scene in the United States Congress this year!!!!!!!!


The Supreme Court has ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States capital this Christmas season.

This isn't fror any religious reason;the simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.

There however was no problem,finding enough a$$e$ to fill the stable!

 

[sumitomo]

What's red and smells like blue paint?






Red paint



Sumi

 

[BluesHowler]

Two anthropologic researchers discovered a tribe in deepest darkest Africa that had never seen any civilized humans. The tribe welcomed them into their midst and were very friendly.

The researchers noticed that there was constant drumming at all hours of the day and night. The drumming bothered them and they asked why the drumming never stopped. The natives all answered the same, “Drumming good, drums stop very bad!”

After several weeks late at night the drums stopped and the natives all started screaming and running around. The researchers asked every native they could find what happened. The natives all answered “Drums stop very bad!” and ran off.

Finally the researchers stopped the tribal chief and question him on why if the drums stop it is very bad. The chief answered, “When drums stop bass solo begins! Very bad!”

One night at Club Chintz, the mindreader closes her set by reading the mind of the each of the musicians in the band.

First, she reads the mind of the lead guitarist:
"Wow, look at all the cute chicks who showed up tonight! I bet they're all here to see me. Good crowd!"

Then the drummer:
"Look at that crowd! With this many people in the house, we're going to make good money tonight!"

Then the Keyboard player:
"Yeesh, look at that crowd. None of them will ever truly appreciate all of my talent. What a bunch of losers."

Finally, the Bass player:
"E E E E E E E E A A A A A A A A E E E E E E E E..."

I also play bass so I think these are funny.

 

[oldguy]

How did the shipwrecked man survive alone on a desert island for months with nothing but a mattress and a calendar that washed ashore????????

He ate dates and drank from the springs..............:thwap:

 

[Brian Krashpad]

Coach Bob Stoops, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God showed him around. They came to a nice little house with a small Sooners flag in the window.

"This house is yours for eternity, Bob" said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets such a cozy house up here." Bob felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house towering above the others just down the street.

It was a multi-story mansion with an orange and blue sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Gator flag, and in every window, he could see Gator fans.

Bob looked at God and said "God, I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I have a question.

"God asked "So what do you want to know, Bob?"

"Well, why does Urban Meyer get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said "Bob, that's not Urban's house, it's mine."

 

[Rocket]

Krash... I guess your story would make more sense if only I recognized some name in it other than "God"!

 

[bigoldron]

God chuckled, and said "Bob, that's not Urban's house, it's mine."

So saith the Lord! :AOK:

 

[oldguy]

Krash... I guess your story would make more sense if only I recognized some name in it other than "God"!

Rocket......
I think it's something to do with foosball........Mama don't allow.....mama don't allow.....mama don't allow......mama don't allow......mama don't allow

 

[Robert]

What did the embarrassed traffic light say?

Don't look - I'm changing!

 

[peachhead]

Krash, I'm not a big Gator fan, but...that's funny! :AOK:

 

[sumitomo]

How to clean a toilet.

1.Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo into the water.
2.Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3.In one smooth movement,put the cat in the toilet and close the lid fast,You may need to stand on the lid.
4.The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.Never mind the noises that come from the toilet,the cat is actually enjoying this.
5.Flush the toilet three or four times.this provides a 'power-wash' and rinse.
6.Here's the tricky part,have someone open the front door of your house,MAKE SURE THE PATH IS CLEAR FROM THE BATHROOM TO THE FRONT DOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7.Stand behind the toilet and QUICKLY lift the lid.
8.The cat will rocket out of the toilet,through the house to the outside where he will dry off.
9.Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.






Sincerely,
The Dog!!!

 

[sumitomo]

I couldn't leave without leaving you'all with a couple of jokes.

Deja Moo:The feeling yhat you've heard this bull before.

I went to a seafood disco last week.....and pulled a mussel.



See ya when I come back.Sumi

 

[bigoldron]

I couldn't leave without leaving you'all with a couple of jokes.

Deja Moo:The feeling yhat you've heard this bull before.

I went to a seafood disco last week.....and pulled a mussel.



See ya when I come back.Sumi

Where ya going Bro?

 

[thearabianmage]

Dunno, but I can't wait to hear what jokes he's picked up on his travels!!!

 

[Robert]

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with!

Where do rabbits learn to fly ?
In the Hare Force !

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 

[thearabianmage]

A blonde was hooked up to a lie detector and was asked a few preliminary questions to get comparative readings. . .

'What's your name?' - 'Sue' - the machine blinked green.

'Where do you live?' - 'New York' - the machine blinked green.

'What do you think of my tie?' - 'I think. . .' - the machine blew up.

 

[sumitomo]

The redneck word of the day is OBAMA!

I bought me a case of beer and drank it OBAMA self.:rotflmao Sumi

 

[thekiwidisciple]

I hope this doesn't get me banned..


...so a baby seal walks into a club.

 

[Robert]

You are now banned, kiwi. For good. Just kidding.

So, a couple of dyslexis walk in to a bra...

- How do you stop bacon from curling in the frying pan?
- You take away their brooms! (Canadian flavoured joke...)

 

[thekiwidisciple]

LMAO at the first one Robert, but am I supposed to get that second one?

 

[marnold]

LMAO at the first one Robert, but am I supposed to get that second one?

This will probably help, Kiwi.

 

[Suhnton]

1: So a crocodile walks into a bar wearing a polo t-shirt with a prat embroidered on the chest...

2: Remember: If a man walks out of the toilet with his zipper down, you didn't see nuthin'

 

[thekiwidisciple]

LOL thanks marnold.

 

[Kazz]

Curling.....I have had lots of fun watching that in the Winter Olympics.

A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and stops
them. They show him their papers, but he thinks they are phony.

He tells them, "Okay, I have a test for you. I want you to use the
words liver and cheese in a sentence."

So, the first guy says, "I made a liver and cheese sandwich for
lunch."

The agent says, "That was good, you can go. What about you?" he asks the second guy.

He says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

 

[thekiwidisciple]

LOL! That one is baaaad...

 

[bigG]

I used to be a magician. I could walk down the street and turn into a bar.

What would you have if all the cars in the USA were pink? A pink car nation.

What if all the crowbars in the world disappeared? The crows would have to drink in our bars.

A man walks into a bar w a duck on his head. The bartender exclaims "what's goin' on here"? The duck says "get this guy off my ***!"

What do you call a girl w one leg shorter than the other? Ilene

What do you call two gay Bobs? Oral Roberts (uh-oh!)

A blonde and a brunette chick are talking. The blonde says "my boyfriend has terrible dandruff! How can I help him get rid of it?" The brunette says "give him Head & Shoulders". The blonde says "I already give him head, how do I give shoulders?" (a bigger uh-oh...did I overstep the boundaries?)