Funny Jokes, anyone?

[oldguy]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

 

[Spudman]

Ewwww. Good one.:AOK

 

[Spudman]

Janet's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Janet was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Janet asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied..

Janet told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart.. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Janet asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it..."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.''

 

[bcdon]

A pirate and a sailor were exchanging stories. The sailor pointed to the pirate’s peg leg and asked, “How did you get that?”

The pirate said, “Aye, I wrestled a great white shark and he bit off me leg.”

The sailor pointed to the pirate’s hook and asked, “How did you get that?”

The pirate said: “Aye, I was in a sword fight against three privateers. Killed 'em all, but one of 'em cut off me hand.”

The sailor pointed to the pirate’s eye patch and asked, “How did you get that?”

The pirate said, “Aye, a seagull came by and pooped in me eye.”

The sailor asked, “How could you lose your eye from that?"

“Aye,” the pirate answered. “It was me first day with the hook.”

 

[Bloozcat]

Early Dismissal

Subject: Early dismissal

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
The teacher said, "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and
correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta
here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may
also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bit*hes would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?

 

[Robert]

How does a Lead Guitarist change a lightbulb?
He holds it and the world revolves around him.

What's the difference between a Lead Guitarist and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.

Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners?
So the rest of the band can understand them.

 

[mainestratman]

I don't know if these have been covered...

How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?

He keeps speeding up and never knows when to come in...

 

[Heywood Jablomie]

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw!

 

[Spudman]

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over...

'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But, let me tell you about my weekend!'

 

[Spudman]

Farm kid in the Marines

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.




Your loving daughter,

Alice

 

[kiteman]

Heh, the last two lines got me. :dude

 

[Rampant]

Went to the doctors last week.

Doctor said that I'm paranoid!!!!



.... he didn't actually say that, but I could tell that's what he was thinking.

 

[FrankenFretter]

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw!

Hmmm...You been hanging around Sweet Home, Heywood?

 

[Heywood Jablomie]

Hmmm...You been hanging around Sweet Home, Heywood?

LOL. .....or Lebanon

BTW, we're practically neighbors - I'm in Corvallis

 

[sumitomo]

Hmmm...You been hanging around Sweet Home, Heywood?

I think you guys are mixed up,you mean Prineville!Sheep run and hide there,I've never seen a sheep in Prineville,but everyone looks like your sister? Sumi

 

[msteeln]

1st graders were instructed to draw the person they most respected. As the teacher went around the class inspecting the children's progress she stopped and asked one girl what she was drawing. The child said "I'm drawing God". The amused teacher then explaind that nobody knows what God actually look's like. The girl quickly responded without even looking up, "they will in a minute!".

 

[poodlesrule]

How many bluegrass players does it take...

... to screw in a light bulb?



scroll down





some more







Answer:
Five - One to turn the bulb and four to complain that it's electric.




(source: www.guitartips.addr.com/guitar_jokes.html)

 

[Spudman]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven


1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold,
I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---
we'd both still be alive.

 

[Robert]

Spud, that was awesome!

Here's 2 short ones:

Teacher asked : Why are you late for school?
Johnny: Because of the Sign.
Teacher : What Sign?
Johnny : The sign that says "School ahead go slow"
------
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
- That's cute, but can it pick up peanuts?

 

[deeaa]

Coupla of short, morbid ones:

- Mom! Why is dad running?
- Shut up and hand me more ammo!

**

- Mom, why didn't I get no xmas present at all?
- Well, its 'coz you're dying of cancer shortly anyway

**

- Hey kids, whatcha doing there?
- Playing cannibals!
- Is our Pete there too?
- Not any more he's not!

**

- Hey son, what are you builing in the basement with your friends?
- *mumbles*
- WHAT!?!
- a guillotine for stray dogs!
- Heh, thank god! I though you said gulpin' beer and stong grogs for a sec there!

**

 

[sumitomo]

Found an old vid of a party I went to once!:happy Sumi

 

[Spudman]

Cute Sumi. What fruit does that?

 

[sumitomo]

You know I can't remember? Sumi Really though there is very little water in that region and with the heat the fruit ferments right on the tree.

 

[sumitomo]

Coyote Population


The Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest service were presenting an alternative to Alberta ranchers for controlling the coyote population.It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators,the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.

What they proposed wasfor the animals to be captured alive,the males would then be castrated and let loose again.Therefore the population would be controlled.This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Alberta Ranching Association by the Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazinng idea for a couple of minutes.Finally,one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up,tipped his hat back and said,'Son,I don't think you understand our problem.Those coyotes ain't f--kin' our sheep..........they're eatin''em!"


Sumi

 

[sumitomo]

Sumi
Hey Robert now This could cause a brown out!

 

[Spudman]

That video is a riot!:AOK

 

[Robert]

Got it Sumi! Thanks!

 

[sumitomo]

This on is good also! Sumi

 

[FrankenFretter]

LOL. .....or Lebanon

BTW, we're practically neighbors - I'm in Corvallis

Yeah, I remember that. Hence the Sweet Home reference. I've never actually been there, btw. I have heard stories, though.

I love Corvallis. You ever eat at Local Boys?

 

[FrankenFretter]

Sumi
Hey Robert now This could cause a brown out!

I laughed so hard, I almost had a yellow out!

Stop me if you've heard this one:

An Irishman walks past a bar...