Funny Jokes, anyone?

[Robert]

Have you heard the joke about the two dyslexics who walked into a bra... :rotflmao:

 

[Spudman]

I'm not sure I have, but I have heard about ants walking 2 abreast.

 

[strumsalot]

Small White Dot

An elementary school teacher gave her class an assigment, to go home and think about something that is interesting to them and be prepared to tell the class about it the next day.

When it was little Bobby's turn to speak, he went to the blackboard and drew a small white dot with chalk and then sat back down.

The teacher ask Bobby if that was a period.

Bobby replied yes.

She then ask Bobby what was interesting about it.

Darned if I know, but my sister is missing hers which made mom faint, dad have a heart attack, and the boy next door join the Navy.

 

[tot_Ou_tard]

:bravo: I hadn't heard that one before Sir Strumsalot.:bravo:

 

[marnold]

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insominac? He would lie awake at night, wondering if there really is a Dog.

A couple quickies from Monty Python:
There's nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can't prolong!

It's like I've always said, "There's nothing an agnostic can't do if he really doesn't know whether he believes in anything or not."

And finally . . .
I'm tired of all this sex on the television. I mean, I keep falling off!

 

[pie_man_25]

Q:how many blues musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A:none, they can't afford the lights

Q:how many ADD kids does it take to screw in a light blb?

Q:wanna go ride bikes?


guy's walking to a bar, when all of a sudden a mobnkey starts following him, he gets in the bar and the monkey starts going crazy, and eventually eats one of the balls from the pool table, and the man, with the monkey, is forced to leave. A week later the man comes back, with the monkey, and he returns the ball from the pool table and apologises for what the monkey did, and he is alowed to stay, when the two watch the monkey take a peanut, put it up his rear, then take it out and eat it, then the bartender says "dude, that is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen!" and the man replies "yeah, ever since that pool-table ball, he's measured before eating ever since!"


edit: I have some more but they're kinda political and can be considered offensive.

 

[duhvoodooman]

Those remind me of a couple more:

Q: Which is worse, apathy or ignorance?

A: Hey, I don't know and I don't care!

~~~~~~~~~

A pirate walks into a bar with a car steering wheel sticking out the top of his britches. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, buddy, isn't that thing kind of uncomfortable?" The pirate says, "Arrrrr! It's drivin' me nuts!"

 

[Katastrophe]

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?


Homeless.


How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?


None. We have machines for that now.

 

[marnold]

Seeing Katastrophe's post reminded me of a joke.

Do you know what the definition of "catastrophe" is? It's the award for the kitten with the nicest buns.

 

[duhvoodooman]

Do you know what the definition of "catastrophe" is? It's the award for the kitten with the nicest buns.

This from a man of the cloth?!? I'm shocked....shocked, I tell you!!

Got any more? :rotflmao:

 

[warren0728]

marnold if you lived closer to me i might start going to church!! :beer:

what can a large pizza do that a musician can't?

feed a family of 4!

ww

 

[Justaguyin_nc]

Need a Screen cleaner?

presshere

 

[Katastrophe]

Need a Screen cleaner?

presshere

Now, that's just funny, I don't care who you are! :rotflmao:

 

[pes_laul]

OK at the beginning of summer when Ms. Dible got a new second grade class she always told her kids to speak in big people words. so when she asked little Sarah what she did for summer she replied "I took a ride on a choo choo" "No! we use big people words you rode on a train." she replied. Then she asked little tommy what He did He replied "I got a new bunny wabbit" "No you got a new rabbit, Remember big people words!" So she then asked little Billy what he did. He replied "I read a book" "Really? What book did you read" she replied. Billy thought about it real hard then puffed out his chest and said....."I read winnie the Sh^t" :rotflmao:

 

[ted s]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new BMW convertible out
of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through his sparse hair.

Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even
more.

But, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the State Trooper behind him,
blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then
110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and
pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the BMW, looked at his
watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If
you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll
let you go.

The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Three years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'


Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.

 

[Adrian30]

Here's a funny avatar...

 

[warren0728]

The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Three years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'


Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.

oh my god i almost spit my drink all over my laptop...thank you....thank you...
:bravo: :beer: :rotflmao: :beer: :bravo:

ww

 

[SuperSwede]

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the BMW, looked at his
watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If
you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll
let you go.

The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Three years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'


Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.

Lol! +1
:beer: :bravo:

 

[pie_man_25]

oh my god i almost spit my drink all over my laptop...thank you....thank you...
:bravo: :beer: :rotflmao: :beer: :bravo:

ww

I laughed so hard my morning bacon and eggs came out my nose!

also pes laul's joke was pretty funny as well, maybe he should be named Pes LULZ instead, amirite?:rotflmao:

 

[SuperSwede]

*** WARNING possibly offensive joke ***

First Love

Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Kevin where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,"
Joe recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Kevin.
"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?".....
"Baaaaaaa." said Joe.

 

[pes_laul]

*** WARNING possibly offensive joke ***

First Love

Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Kevin where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,"
Joe recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Kevin.
"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?".....
"Baaaaaaa." said Joe.

eeewwww:messedup: :rotflmao:

 

[Ro3b]

A guy walks into a bar and says, "Give me a double bourbon straight up."

The bartender brings him his drink, and the guy says, "Let me show you something." He takes a box out of his pocket and puts it on the bar and opens it, and this tiny man in a tuxedo, about a foot tall, gets out of it. He looks around, climbs down off the bar, goes over to the piano in the corner of the room, and starts playing "Fur Elise." It's beautiful.

The bartender says, "Wow, that's pretty cool. Where did you find him?"

The guy says, "Well, I was on my way home from work this afternoon, and I passed by this antique shop and saw an old oil lamp in the window. It looked interesting, so I bought it and took it home. As I was polishing it, a genie popped out and said 'HUZZAH! YOU HAVE FREED ME FROM CENTURIES OF IMPRISONMENT! TO SHOW MY GRATITUDE, I WILL GRANT YOU YOUR HEART'S DESIRE!'"

The bartender says, "So you asked him for a twelve-inch pianist?"

The guy says, "No, not exactly."

 

[Robert]

Haha, the genie had a hearing problem?

 

[ted s]

Not a joke but funny just the same.

 

[oldguy]

A man's standing at a bus stop when a little old lady walks up behind him with a little dog on a leash. The dog sniffs the man's trousers and lifts a hind leg. The man steps to one side. Again, the dog steps up next to him, sniffs, and lifts a leg. The man moves again. The little old lady says "Don't worry, he doesn't bite".
The man answers dryly... "I wasn't worried about him biting, I thought he was about to kick me in the shin......."

 

[oldguy]

A drunk stumbles into a bar in Texas. He orders a "large" draft beer, and the bartender brings it in a pitcher. "That's a lot of beer" the drunk says. The bartender answers "You're in Texas, boy, everything's big down heah!"
The drunk finishes the beer and asks where the bathroom is. "Down the hall, first door on the right" the barman answers.
The drunk stumbles down the hall and opens the first door on the left ....which is where the swimming pool is......he steps up next to the water, unzips his pants, and falls face first into the water. As he flounders around in the pool, the maintenance man walks in and slams the door shut.
The drunk screams..... "Don't flush it! Don't flush it!"

 

[oldguy]

A dude is driving in heavy traffic. Suddenly all the cars in front of him stop. He stomps the brake pedal, but still smashes into the car in front of him.
A man about 3 feet tall jumps out of the car the dude just hit, walks back to the dude's car, hands on his hips, frowning, and yells "I'm not happy!!"
The guy answers...... "OK, which one are you?"

 

[Spudman]

After Sunday school little Kimmy goes up to the pastor and says "pastor can I ask you something?" The pastor replies "sure what do you wish to know?"
Little Kimmy asks, "well, is it true that when we die we turn to dust?" The pastor replies "yes that is what the scriptures say." "Well then is it true when we are born we come from the dust?" The pastor replies "yes the scriptures also say this."

Little Kimmy looks away into the distance with a very troubled look on her face. The pastor asks "why the troubled expression little Kimmy?" Kimmy replies "it's just that I looked under my bed this morning and I can't figure out if someone is coming or going."

 

[oldguy]

:bravo: :bravo: :bravo:
Good joke.

 

[pie_man_25]

/\ +1 hilarious