Cheesy joke thread. come on everyone contribute!

[bigG]

Frank and Doris Hill are out driving on a lonely road one dark and stormy night. They have a terrible crash and are killed. An evil scientist and his assistant Igor happen upon the accident scene and drag the dead bodies to their laboratory. They try every evil Frankenstein-like way to bring the Hills back to life, but to no avail. The evil scientist storms out of the laboratory muttering to himself. Igor stays to clean things up and turns on the radio to his favorite jazz station. At once, the dead bodies come to life and sit straight up, looking around in bewilderment. Igor yells out to the evil scientist "the Hills are alive with the sound of music!!!!"

 

[mcgreggor57]

What do you call a dog with no legs?







It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.

 

[Spudman]

Ever seen Helen Keller's house?









Neither has she.

 

[Suhnton]

From the "bubblegum wrapper files"

Why do grizzlies feel cold in winter?
Because they always walk around in bear feet.

What's the difference between a butcher and an insomniac?
One weighs a steak and the other stays awake.

 

[Spudman]

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said. 'I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.'
'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. 'Let's see you do it.'
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, 'All right, Dumb ***, get in.'

 

[ragnarpk]

...so a baby seal walks into a club.

YES! i was gonna say that one, but i see someone else knows his stuff

 

[sumitomo]

I had money that I needed to exchange,so I went to the currency exchange window at the bank.Just one lady in front of me....an Asain lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated.....She asked the teller,'Why it change??Yesterday,I get two hunat dolla fo yen,Today I get hunat eighty??Why it change???? The teller shrugged his shoulders and said 'Fluctuations' The Asian lady replied 'Well Fluc you too!!!!' Sumi

Did you ener notice the Roman numeral for 40 is XL ???

 

[ibanezjunkie]

ive read every single joke in this thread

ive been here for over an hour.

 

[oldguy]

Better than wasting it playing video games!

 

[sumitomo]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed; 'Lissin a me.I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated 38-caliber revolver so you will always remember me.'
The grandson smiles weakly and replies;'But grandpa,I really dona a lika guns,How zabout you leava me you Rolex watch instead?
Gasping for air the old man answers with a snarl in his voice;"Shuddup an lissin.Somma day you gonna runna da business.you gonna have a beautifula wife,lotsa money,a biga home and maybe some bambinos.'
<BR>After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues;"somma day you gonna comma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anotha man.
Whadda you gonna do then.............Pointa to you watch anda say "Times a up'? Sumi

 

[Spudman]

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a
tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the
bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

 

[oldguy]

Potatoes (for our Idaho Fret friends)

(this one just begs for cheese.........)

Potatoes...
Well, A Girl Potato and A Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland . And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west in the USA , they told her to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's
Potato University) so when she graduated she'd really be in the chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!!!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just... well he's just a...

A COMMONTATER !!!

 

[MichaelE]

After landing:

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

(Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...)
San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.

Student pilot:

Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center now on 133.75"

 

[jpfeifer]

I haven't read through all of the jokes yet, so I hope these aren't already used...

Two pretzels are walking down the street and one of them is asaulted.

Two atoms are walking down the street when they collide with each other. One says to the other, "Hey, are you o.k?", the other one says "Yeah, but I think that I lost an electron", the other says "are you sure?", ... and the other one says "I'm positive".

Blonde Enters a Swim Meet
A blonde enters a swim meet against several other ladies, in the breast stroke competition. The blonde finishes dead last and comes in 30 minutes later than the next-to-last contestant. Upon finishing the race the blonde files an immediate protest with the race officials. When they asked her why she said, "It wasn't a fair race because the other ladies used their arms."

-- Jim

 

[sumitomo]

Im just passing this along......................

Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were ever in the butt crack of some stripper?

If not,your wondering now. Sumi

 

[deeaa]

Man, all the stupid jokes in English that come to mind right now are such that they are sure to piss off anyone sensitive about religion, racism or what not, so better not even put 'em here.

I'd have a ton of great, stupid jokes in Finnish, though.

 

[Heywood Jablomie]

Two lawyers are walking down the street when they see a shapely young woman in a miniskirt. One lawyer says, "I'd sure like to screw her". The other one says, "Out of what?".

And my favorite salesman joke....

Fred recently died and went to Heaven.
When Fred got to the pearly gates ... St. Peter showed him the attractions:
Relaxing on clouds, reading books, eating great meals and listening to harp music ...
Fred was impressed with St. Peter’s offer however he hadn’t completely made up is mind yet. There was another option to consider ... Hell ...
Now that Fred had a lot more time on his hands (he was dead after all ...) he decided to go down to Hell to see what they had to offer.
Satan met him at the front gate and showed him around. Fred saw lots of wild parties, pretty young woman and an unlimited supply of beer.
After being given a day to consider his options, Fred deciding on Hell ... “Hell it is!” ... he said
Satan met Fred at the front gate again however when he got inside this time he saw something very different from what he had seen before.
Now there were people being tortured, burned and living in cages.
"Satan," he asked, "Where are all the great parties and the fun stuff you showed me yesterday?"
Satan replied, "That was all a show for prospective clients. You're a client now!"

 

[sumitomo]

So a 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman get married and their are the talk of the town.One year later their at the hospital having their first child,the nurse comes out of the delivery room to congratulate the new father,She said how do you do it at your age,He replied gotta keep the motor going.
One year later the same thing going to the hospital to have their second child,Nurse how do you do it at your age,He replies again gotta keep the motor going.
Now a year later at the hospital for the third child,Nurse comes out how do you do it at your age,He says I told ya gotta keep the motor running,Nurse says well you better get the oil changed cause this one's black! Sumi

 

[bigoldron]

OK, here's my favorite 3rd grader joke:

How do you catch a polar bear? You cut a hole in the ice and put some peas around it. When the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole! :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

 

[pie_man_25]

what do bassists use for contraception? Their Personalities!!!
what do drummers use for contraception? nobody knows,they haven't needed it yet!!!
what do guitarists use for contraception? not their egos, their WAY too big!!!
just a couple we (the punchlines) use on stage
are dead baby jokes allright?

I made the second line to this joke:

so a baby seal walks into a club....
and has a smashing good time

 

[sumitomo]

So a guy walks into a store and asks the clerk,"Where is the Polish sauage at"The clerk replies,"Why are you Polish?"Well this kinda pissed off this guy and He replied,"Yea does it matter,If I asked for italian sauage would you ask me if I was Italian,or if I asked where the brats are if I was German,or if I asked where the tacos are if I was Mexican?The clerk replied well no,but I just wanted to let you know that this is the Home Depot.Sumi